Here’s how I transitioned from Christianity (the faith with which I was raised) to Atheism to Buddhism to the magical form of spirituality I currently practice.
But I thought today I’d write about how I transitioned from Christianity (the faith with which I was raised) to Atheism to Buddhism to the magical form of spirituality I currently practice. Ultimately, it’s my hope that this is also practical to some of you. While each of us has our own unique path to walk, perhaps reading about my experience will help you feel less alone, or provide ideas or resources that you’ll find applicable to your own spiritual evolution.
My parents were both raised Catholic, and I was baptized Catholic as a baby. When I was four, just before I started kindergarten, my parents divorced. My mom packed my brother and me in her station wagon and drove us to a brand new apartment in a brand new town, about a 40-minute drive away from our old house, where our dad stayed. Not long after that, my mom became a Baptist and we began attending a Baptist church on Wednesday nights. On the weekends, though, we were back with our dad, and while we didn’t go to church with him much, we still went to the Catholic church occasionally, and definitely on Easter.
It was around this time that my mom began warning me about Satan, and how I might do something that would cause me to become possessed by him, or by one of his demons. “But don’t think about Satan or worry too much about him,” she added, “it gives him power when you’re afraid of him: he likes it.”
Obviously, this was very confusing to an elementary-school-aged child. Satan (or a demon) might possess me: so be careful, but don’t be afraid. It was impossible to follow both those instructions at the same time. Naturally, I also became terrified of becoming possessed. I thought about it constantly (which I knew was wrong), and I had nightmares about it. I reasoned that the best defense against this terrible fate would be to pray regularly and imitate the adults in my life (like my mom) who were active in the Baptist church.
My dad, on the other hand, was another story. Even though he called himself a Catholic (and still does, I think), he regularly urged my brother and me to think for ourselves. When he drove us to and from his house along the two-lane country road that connected his town to our mom’s town, he would tell us about things like reincarnation and quantum physics, and would even encourage us to question the Bible. While I still harbored an intense fear of possession, I loved and respected my dad so much, I definitely gave all he said a lot of thought.
After going through another marriage (to someone in our church) and another divorce, my mom left the Baptist church and didn’t talk much about religion for a while. I was around fourteen at this time, and I had a new best friend at school who was raised by atheist parents. She introduced me to Henry David Thoreau and Walt Whitman, and inspired me to try on atheism for size…and I loved it! It felt so freeing, and so simple, and so eminently logical not to worry about being possessed anymore, or about going to hell, or being a bad person for not being a good enough Christian, and so on. When someone asked, “Do you believe in God?” I found it thrilling to say a clear and emphatic “No,” and to not feel sorry for it in the least.
A year or two after that, I discovered Jack Kerouac: specifically his books On the Road and The Dharma Bums. He had also been baptized Catholic, but somewhere along the way had discovered Buddhism, and wrote about it in the most mesmerizing and poetic of ways. Not long after I read his books, I discovered the Buddhist section of our local bookstore and began reading everything I could find on the subject. I read A Path with Heart, The Miracle of Mindfulness, Zen Mind Beginners Mind, and many more. I began meditating during my lunch break at school, and when I got home from school, I often moved my mattress outside of our apartment so I could stare up at the clouds and spend hours contemplating empty space.
I was still really into Buddhism when I moved to Pasadena to go to college. This was the first time I had access to larger and more metropolitan bookstores, and it was also the 90s, when Witchcraft was experiencing an upswing in popularity. When my girlfriend and I discovered the “Magic Studies” section at the neighborhood Barnes and Noble, it was a revelation to say the least. “Coincidentally,” it was around this time that I discovered my mysterious, waif-like downstairs neighbor was a Witch. She lent me Good Magic by Marina Medici (still one of my all time favorites) and some old Llewellyn Magical Almanacs, and it was like I had finally come home. It was as if I was reading something I already knew (or at least suspected), and just needed someone else to mirror back to me. I set up an altar, tried out some spells, and felt the entire natural world come to life with magic and meaning.
It wasn’t all smooth sailing from there, however.
I still had a lot to learn about the holistic nature of magic. In other words, I didn’t quite understand yet that the magical spiritual path wasn’t just about doing sparkly spells and having pretty altars: it was also about moving through old challenges, releasing old patterns, and consciously fine-tuning my energy in order to come into ever-greater levels of balance, harmony, and joy. But if you pay attention, magic has a way of showing you what you need to know. Eventually, I put it together that magic is like electricity: extremely powerful, and incredibly helpful once you understand and respect the way it works. (Incidentally, my journey to understanding magical dynamics is what inspired me to write You Are Magical, so other people could fast-forward to knowing what I learned over time.)
I also went through a period when my old terror of becoming possessed resurfaced. In my early twenties, my mom married one more time, once again to someone who was a full-fledged Christian. Her renewed commitment to her faith sparked questions in my mind about my diverging from the well-worn path of Christianity: What if she’s right? What if Christianity is the only true way? And most troublingly, what if my magical experimentation will eventually cause me to end up in hell?
Again, books played a pivotal role in adjusting my world view. There were three books I read around the same time that permanently released me from my twin fears of possession and damnation. The first book was Cosmos. The transcendent way Carl Sagan laid out the known facts about our Universe helped me regain the freedom I felt when I first proudly asserted that No, as a matter of fact I didn’t believe in God.
The second book was The Hero with a Thousand Faces. This book gave me a broader perspective on world spirituality than I’d ever had before. It helped me understand that it is in our nature as humans to tell stories about ourselves and our existence, and that none of these stories are precisely true, but none of them are false either. They are psychologically true: they are true in the sense that we can draw personal power and spiritual inspiration from them. And they are true in the sense that there are common threads running through all mythologies, which reveal the qualities (like universal love and personal transformation) that are sacred to us as a species.
And the third book that helped me become free from my Christianity-related fears was…The Bible. And believe it or not, The Bible was the most powerful one of the three. Why? Because when I finally read it in its entirety (I actually listened to it on CD, but I really did listen to all of it), I realized that it was just a book. Just a really old, really boring, really violent book, written by people. While I liked some parts of it, I had no transcendent experiences while I read it. I had several moments when I felt confused by the inconsistencies or disgusted by the prolific rape and murder. But I had zero moments when I felt exceptionally awed or inspired.
As I made my way through Los Angeles freeway traffic at night, the final CD of the Bible came to an end. When it ejected itself, U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For was playing on the radio. As I listened, tears ran down my face as I realized that – gloriously – none of us will ever find what we’re looking for. No one really knows what’s going on here. There is no one God, no one path, no one answer.
There is only one mystery. One sacred, beautiful, magical mystery. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
…Have you also found your way out of a religion you were raised with? Or are you finding your own path now? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
Did you like this post? You may also enjoy reading these 5 Common Myths About Magical People.
Very much appreciated this. I’m going through my own spiritual awakening and as I try to discern the next step on my path it’s very comforting to see it’s a path so many of us walk.
Such an honest and heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your book “Magical Housekeeping” was my first dip into the arts back in 2010 and it is still one of my favorites. It opened my eyes and spirit, and led me home. Thank you for all the work you do in helping others find their way. You’re always an inspiration. ❤️
Thank you for this blog post <3
I was lucky enough to be born in a place where Christianity has been taking a lot less space in people's lives and society for the couple past generations. I was baptized when I was a baby just because that's what everyone was doing, not because my parents really had the faith or anything.
Then at school we had catechism classes, but people of different religions or from atheist parents could choose to opt out and they had another class instead that could be translated to ''moral/ethics class'' I guess? In any case, I kinda liked the catechism classes and also started going to church on my own because none of my family was going anyway, except for Christmas. I was never super devoted or anything, but at that time (I was still a child/pre-teenager), I thought the Catholic religion was quite nice and peaceful, with the stories of Jesus being a nice person and all.
Then I grew up and eventually I learned of everything the Catholics/Christians did to people throughout the world and I was disgusted. Especially as a queer person engaged with another woman, I can feel how much this religion has tainted some people's common sense and empathy.
I don't mind people choosing the faith or path they want, but I expect them to do the same with everyone else and to stop blindly judging people because their church/leader says to do so.
I have to admit that I have trouble dealing with things like Angels, because of the psychological trauma I still have with the Catholic faith. I do believe Jesus probably existed and was a nice person, but for me the topic of Angels is still a bit mingled in my mind! I know you like to invoke the protection of some of them Tess and I find it really interesting, but my mind is not ready yet to embrace anything related to Christianity! How did you deal with that?
Carol Ann, thank you for sharing, and great question! I connect with angels as fields of energy, and they don’t feel related to Christianity to me exactly. They feel like their own thing. (But even Jesus, Mother Mary, and Mary Magdalene have their own sweet energies to me that feel independent of the stories many Christian churches have around them.) But I don’t think you need to work with Angels if it doesn’t feel right to you! We all just find what works best for us. It’s all the same divine energy anyway.
Thank you for your reply 🙂 You’re right, I guess I don’t need to include them in my magical work, I’m just a bit sad that I’m so close minded about these magical beings in particular, but not any other ones who are associated with other faiths. I’m the kind of person who hold grudges for a long time! But I guess I shouldn’t stress too much over that!
Something to consider – many cultures and religions other than Christianity revere, write about, experience Angels. Of course, as Tess says, you don’t have to embrace anything that doesn’t resonate with you. Wishing you peace and joy.✨✨✨
Thank you Tess for sharing your incredible journey on the Magical path! I feel blessed that my parents wern’t religious, more humanitarian and my mother was definitely a natural Wiccan although she did not realise as such. I found the Buddhist practice when I was in my early twenties and the world just opened up for me and I began studying astrology and healing. I feel that Buddhism and the Magical path go hand in hand, in a sense and by now I am more about the Magic of the Mystery!
Thank you so much for being such an ambassador of this path and lighting the way for many people in your loving and genuine way! xxx
I was raised in a Christian household, though my parents were Presbyterian growing up. I think my mom’s church is now Southern Baptist but don’t hold me to that. Actually, they didn’t go to church for about 2 years up to my father’s death in late 2015. My mom still didn’t go to church after that because the pastor she wanted to go to moved 12 hours away. She did end up going back to church last year when a friend begged her to play the keyboard for a church he started going to.
They let my brother and I explore things, though they encouraged us to remain Christian. I’ve always had severe social anxiety and mental blocks in several areas of my life. I noticed meditation seemed to help quite a bit in clearing my mind. I started practicing meditation and looking into Wicca and witchcraft when I felt an affinity to it. I don’t consider myself religious now, though I do still believe in God and the universe. My outlook on the world around me has softened from the dire fear that Christianity instilled in me for so long.
Hi Lizzie, I loved the sentence with which you concluded your story. I completely resonate with that, only with another monotheistic religion: Islam. I come from a muslim household and since I was young my parents would randomly feed me fear-based stories and instructions: to fear the devil, to not eat with my left hand or otherwise the devil would also be able to have nutrition and therefore become stronger, to never flush hot water down the drain because then the evil spirits who lived there would become angry at me, stories of becoming possessed by angry spirits. I was such a fearful young girl, but at the same time I was really, really open-minded and curious. But fear was the main player in my head. My parents also filled our house with books, all types of books actually, but naturally, because of their stories, I took to the books about religion and people who were muslim. There was one book in which the main character experienced that in her sleep a ghost tried to choke her, by sitting atop her chest. This instilled such deep fear in me that I could not sleep in peace anymore. At the same time I was selected to go to one of most prestigious schools in our area (I am Dutch, living in the Netherlands). And you would think academia might have saved me from the fear of religion, but it took another decade, until I was 20/21 that I started to really actively doubt and reject everything that I had believed. But my parents did not accept it. It was extremely difficult to try to be free of the fear and depressive thoughts, while at the same time my parents with all their forceful emotions would keep reminding me and instilling me that I should follow their faith. Honestly, my whole life and my life experiences have made me deeply resentful towards the religion (islam) and its culture. I want nothing to do with it. Being spiritual however, and exploring the ‘magical’ side of religion has made me a much, much more peaceful, softer and accepting person (to myself and to others).
I am dealing with the same thing. I am 11 years old and you might say “oh, you’re too young to know those types of things” or I dont have enough “experience” But you would be surprised. My family being christian and me being raised christian magic was “demonic” or just wasn’t real. Ever since I was 6, I’ve always believed in magic and spells and wands and amulets. I believed and still do believe in mermaids, fairies, pixies, dragons, etc. But because I am christian I cannot believe in those things. And that its an abomination. As I grew older, I started having feelings for the same gender as me. And guess what? That wasnt allowed either. I thought this was normal, and that nothing was wrong with it. I explained this to one of my fellow christian friends and she was very shocked. She warned me to “be careful” and that those feelings are not normal and I can get in a lot of trouble. I was very sad. I was exposed to “porn” and the word “sex” at a very young age. And how adults have babies. “I thought to myself, I never wanna have sex when I’m older, I don’t even think I wanna have children.” Well, that was wrong too. One day I found out more about “sexuality” and it made more sense to me. I was asexual! But that was wrong. One day I was curious about why these things were wrong and proceeded to read the whole bible. After I was finished I cried. I hated myself after that. I developed depression at 9. I was just disgusted with myself I shut myself down. I was doing everything wrong. Everything. I started to self-harmed myself until now I have gotten a hold of it and haven’t self-harmed myself in a while. I was never comfortable with being a “girly-girl”. Or even being a “girl”. I was always very rough, strong, and did boys activities. I never hung out with girls. I dressed like a boy. My Mom would always tell me to be more feminine and “lady-like”. And me hanging out with boys stopped. I started wearing pink. (Ew) I held my hair up in ponytails and started hanging out with girls. I was VERY uncomfortable. I would often end up sneaking clothes to school and would change my clothes and hairstyles in the school’s bathroom. At recess I would hang out with boys. And before schools ended I would go to the girl’s bathroom and change right back. I learned more about being “trans” or a “demi-girl” or “demi-boy” And everything clicked. I was a demi-boy. Maybe even trans. I knew my parents wouldn’t support this, which made me sad. When I found out more about the spiritual world and the magic world and the different realms and entities in quarantine, my eyes opened and everything clicked. I was so excited! I learned more about different religions and beliefs, and I became more opened-minded. I used crystals, bells, and wore violet more often. I learned about being psychic, and I felt a connection. I wanted to be psychic. But of course, I couldn’t become psychic. Because I was christian. I really do not know what to do. Whether to stay christian but still do those things, or I should represent as a non-christian. This whole “religion” thing is taking a toll on me mostly because it’s holding me back from being myself and doing the things I want to do. I’m tired. I cry when I sleep. I can’t do this anymore. Can anyone give me advice?
Kai, first of all, nothing about you or how you’re feeling is wrong or an abomination. Second, in my opinion, you can be Christian and psychic, and Christian and magical, so if you don’t feel like letting go of Christianity right now, you don’t need to choose between the two. I know that’s not what those around you believe, but as you can see from this post, I believe we make our own way in the world of spirituality and find what resonates for us personally. I can only imagine how challenging it must be to be so young and to be living in a home with people who may not feel comfortable with all the aspects of who you are, especially when (because of quarantine) you have limited contact with people outside your home. So for now, just know that whatever you learn and decide about your spiritual and sexual identity now and in the future, it is all NATURAL and BEAUTIFUL and FINE. Every single one of us is an original, including you. So while it will be easier to let yourself know that when you are out of the house, for now do your best to remember that you are great the way you are, whatever that happens to look like. Your uniqueness is important and needed in the world! We all need you to shine your light, exactly as you are. I’m sending you lots of love and every best wish!